Humor

Savasana. Relaxation or Personal Hell?

I wanted to briefly explain that I actually love to work out. No bullshit. I am typically always down for a sweat sesh with one exception. I hate working out early morning. I disagree that you feel good all day. I feel like a tired zombie all day, and it seems morning workouts send me into a downward shame spiral of needing to eat 85 meals. And not the good small 6 meals a day fit people prescribe to. I’m talking about 85 meals of whatever is closest.

That being said, my homegirl in Phoenix loves am workouts and somehow I was tricked into a “phenomenal flow” class. That’s fine. I agreed to go because it was at one of my fave workout studios ever, which became a fave because they are attached to a cafe that makes smoothies from heaven. So I know if I take a 6am class and spend the day as starving zombie Mollie, at least I’ll get to enjoy a smoothie. It’s the little things.

I have a few issues with Phenomenal Flow. First of all, let me clarify for baby yogis, NOT ALL YOGA IS THE RELAXING STRETCH KIND. Read it again. If you want relaxing stretchy yoga, make sure you’re taking a restorative class or hatha. Flow yoga is transitioning through postures and it is described as “like a dance”. I’m not really sure what dance it’s like, but apparently there’s some weird yoga dancing I am unaware of. And now back to my issues

  1. All levels welcome my ass. I continue to take all levels welcome yoga, which might imply I’m decent but don’t be fooled. I suck at yoga. I find it hard to believe all levels includes your instructor saying “okay and now go into a headstand”. Bitch, I have not done a headstand probably ever. And my beginning level yoga ass will not be doing one now.  So for this section of the class I casually drink my water. Like a non head standing yoga failure.
  2. It is 93 degrees and they infuse the room with a scent that can only be described as marijuana. I’m open to people doing what they want to do, but being hot boxed  with no benefit other than my nose being assaulted during my 6am workout is not what I would call relaxing. Gross.
  3. The instructor never came over and corrected my form. This always happens to me. You might think that implies good things, but it doesn’t. It just means every yoga instructor ever has deemed me a lost cause. They will continue to let the chubby girl flop around in a fish like manner in the corner with no form from now until the end of time.
  4. Savasana. Savasana (the corpse pose) is the final relaxation in basically every yoga class I’ve ever been to. You’re supposed to let everything go, but I basically spend the entire 5 minutes going through a to do list, and congratulating myself for not dying. If there is a hell (which I will undoubtedly go to) I will be trapped in savasana for eternity with just my thoughts and shame from being the worst at yoga.

The good news is at the end of every class there is always some uplifting motivational quote.  Yesterday she talked about releasing positive energy into the world and going on a journey. I definitely took her seriously because we had just finished listening to Ellie Goulding.

So I put a picture below of my friend and I. Post class. Pre smoothie.  My head is bigger than hers, but not as significantly as this picture would imply.


Namaste bitches.

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