I wake up at 5am on the reg. And I usually utilize this time in a very specific manner outlined with bullet points to be sure that all of you can follow:
- Wish I was still asleep from 5:18
- Check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Refinery 29, and Buzzfeed
- 6:00am Read at least one article that denotes the “X number of thoughts the author had while watching some show I also watch”
- 6:15 Roll around a lot and sigh
- 6:20 Pet my cats (this is not a euphemism)
- Try to pee again, weigh myself, feel excited about being down 3 ounces
- 6:45am Lay in bed until Alex’s alarm goes off at 7am.
And that is how a productive, go-getter starts her day.
Today, was different than a normal day. Upon completion of step 2, I felt overcome with the urge to go for a run. (I read one time that even if you’re jog/walking/mostly walking you can still say that you’re running and immediately identifying yourself as a runner so that is the method I prescribe. It is supposed to trick your mind as you transition from the couch to the pavement. What is mostly does is confuse others when I tell them I’m a runner because I’m obviously NOT)
Waking up with a desire to “run” is very unusual for me. There are many workouts that I enjoy, but running is not one of them. A few years ago, I had this crazy idea that I should probably complete a half marathon. It is only a natural decision for a person who literally has not run since college intramural soccer. Even after a couple of months of training (once the running had become easier and I could run longer) I still hated it. I have never ever experienced any kind of high (except how awesome it feels to be FINISHED), and I can’t stop thinking about everything and use that time as therapy. My thoughts while I run are usually as follows:
- God this sucks.
- If I don’t drop dead from this run, I swear I’ll never eat another french fry again
- Are my eyes watering because I’m so fast or because I have dry eye?
- You better work bitch. Back off Brit Brit.
- I think I have a cramp
- This is so incredibly boring.
- Are people embarrassed for me or proud of me
As you can see, running sucks. But this morning, I woke up with a desire to hit the pavement and rock out to Kelly Clarkson. I had all my shit together within 10 minutes time (pretty quick for not having coffee), and I was ready to go when I saw Dante in his kennel. Dante is the best/worst running partner. He’s the best if you’re out of shape, and he is the worst if you are in great running shape. Since I’m the former, I released the beast and put his leash.
Dante has a really short nose, so he has trouble breathing. This means that after maybe one block, he loses capability to breathe and requires to slow to a walk. I take advantage of his short snout, because I am obviously slowing down for Dante, and definitely not because I can’t hack it as a runner. The other amazing thing about running with Dante is no one talks to you. Everyone fears Dante, and they will even cross the street to avoid us. There is nothing that interests me less than the prospect of small talk with a stranger when I can barely speak. This is why dogs should be allowed to go to the gym as fitness companions. In addition to avoiding stranger danger with my trusty dog companion, he also doesn’t feel the need to cheer me on. There is nothing I want to hear less than positive affirmation when I’m sucking it up in a workout.
Dante and went for two miles at a pace that was so embarrassing I couldn’t bring myself to share my MapMyRun results with my MapMyRun “friends” or anyone still reading this. Also Dante refused to selfie with me, so you’ll all have to settle for a picture of him driving my old car. He wants everyone to know that car is his preferred method of travel.
I’ve decided to keep “running” daily. Even if I can’t become a true runner, I can probably keep up with my tan before it gets to 1000 degrees in Vegas in June.