First and foremost, I apologize for the lame title, but I love play-on-word opportunities and also puns (so just brace yourself now).
For anyone who has ever struggled with shedding a few pounds, you have been advised the 80% of fitness is eating and 20% is sweating. I’m sure some asshole has already pointed out to you that “abs are made in the kitchen.” And if they haven’t, there are no shortage of memes/dr oz articles/facebook statuses that will shame any food other than organic kale from entering your body. So you know. We ALL know.
I am in the camp that it is better to completely deprive myself from all sweets, unless they are pre portioned, and the other pre portioned sweets are far away from me. Like in Antarctica. Otherwise, it’s just best for me to not go there at all. And this is because I’m a person that makes the stereotype true. If I have one oreo cookie, I will immediately devolve into a gremlin after midnight and go apeshit on all the oreo cookies. On earth. This is bad. And also, not conducive to accomplishing my goals.
However, I want to have my cake and eat it too (figurative cake, I am currently not eating literal cake). I don’t want to be the person trying to lose weight that is so obnoxious to hang out with that you stop inviting her around. You know, the person you hate going to restaurants with because every server wants to stab her in the eye with his/her pen and blow ink into her retina. She needs a grilled chicken breast NO OIL NO SEASONING. DONT LET OIL EVEN LOOK AT MY CHICKEN BREAST. I don’t want to be that person (except I am now). On the contrary, I do not want my friends, acquaintances, and offices parading desserts, red meat, fried foods, etc around in front of me and offering it to me every three seconds.
So imagine my disappointment when I go into an office this afternoon, and I see a freshly opened package of double stuffed oreos on the counter. I fucking love oreos. And it’s likely due to some horrendous chemical that they have snuck into these satan cookies (that’s actually true – my friend Janelle told me about some rat study, look it up). But I kept my cool. I coached myself. “Mollie, you do not want an oreo. You do not need an oreo. You are not even hungry” This was my mantra for a good 60 seconds.
Then a technician appears. “HEY! Do you want an oreo?!”
Me: No thanks. I just had lunch
Technician 2 : Why not? It’s just one!
Me: Thanks but no thanks.
Technician 1 : It’s doctor’s birthday! Don’t you want to celebrate?
Me : (I can feel my fortitude wavering) I will celebrate in my heart, but not in my stomach.
Which leads me to the point of this entire post. If a person says kindly thank you but no thank you, how many times do we need to confirm that she absolutely, under no circumstance, wants an oreo? Is there an oreo rejection threshold I am unaware of?! Is it possible that every time you reject an oreo offer, an angel lights on fire? What is the deal? The conversation continued well past the exchange above, but it’s not interesting enough to relive the entire thing. And quite honestly, it makes me really really really want an oreo.