Fitness · Humor · Lifestyle · Product review

Fitbit Shame and other side effects of FOMO

 

I have a confession. I got a Fitbit due to FOMO. Everyone at my company had one, but I wasn’t that interested in a fancy pedometer. Unfortunately, I had a moment of wanting to be cool (which no bullshit rarely happens) and in some ways, that was a huge mistake. 

Let me take this time to tell you that the Fitbit flex can suck my hypothetical dick. That $100 piece of shit is exactly that. A shitty step counter with an even shittier capacity to charge with and EVEN SHITTIER YET clasp.  Fitbit flex 1 stopped charging after 2 months. Like a normal human, I know things happen. I contacted Fitbit through various phone calls and hate mail followed by a carrier pigeon, smoke signals, a singing telegram, and last but not least the pony express, and they eventually responded. After sending in a 36 page account of my fitbit’s every action from depackaging to death which was notorized by Jesus Christ himself, fit bit sent me a new one (10-12 business days after the fact).  Imagine my disappointment when my shiney new fitbit fell off my wrist at some point two fucking days later. Also, this exact mishap happened to my friend Nikki. But because at this point in my Fitbit owning life, I had many fitbit friends and the thought of showing up inactive kept me up at night.  So I bought another Fitbit flex. Huge mistake.  That garbage fell off too. 

After the multiple debacles, even I (who manages my money like 18 year old Justin Bieber-or is it Beiber-I never know) understood that Fitbit can catch on fire and never see another dime from me again. 

That being said, I now am the proud owner of a Fitbit charge hr. I don’t want to get into the specifics of how that happened, it just did. Anyways, I like the charge hr because it has many upgrades from the flex. They are bullet pointed for you

  • Heart rate monitor
  • Stair flight counter – albeit inaccurate
  • Shows the actual number of steps instead of making me decipher how 2 full dots and 1 flashing for equal some percentage of a 10,000 step goal
  • Caller ID when my phone rings 
  • A way to tell it when I’m starting my work out so it can track those stats specifically 
  • And best of all AN ACTUAL CLASP SO THE DAMN THING STAYS ON. Even though this clasp is equivalent to a clasp on a watch my father would wear, I find solace knowing that this bad boy is not coming off no matter how hard I’m working out (or more likely acting like an idiot)
  • Also, the flex did this, but the charge hr points out that I’m getting shitty sleep. (I am beginning to use this data to support me when I’m being tyrannical. “Sorry can’t help it. I slept so terribly last night, and I’m basically like a baby. See look at my sleep tracker” etc)

Despite my hate for the Fitbit flex (if that’s all you take away from this post GREAT. SAVE YOUR MONEY), I love having a Fitbit. I realized that at 8:30 I only had 3000 steps. Which prompted me to get my ass off the couch and run until I hit 10,500. Every night I check to make sure I don’t go to sleep a loser, and that is totally worth $100 (or more). 

Oh. And I’d also like to thank my homegirl Taylor Swift for getting me through another “run”. 

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