the elliptical is boring. If you disagree, you’re a liar or a moron. You can pick. I don’t care. This is what goes through my head when I’m being tortured for 30 minutes. 

Minute 1 : this isn’t so bad. I’m like a gazelle. A chubby, gimpy, sad gazelle. The kind of gazelle that gets eaten by a lion. Maybe I should pick up the pace #lionchow

Minute 3 : is this Million Dollar listing?  If I had a million dollar home I would have an elliptical. Probably not actually

Minute 4 : Why does this song suck so much. LVAC, your music is uninspired

Minute 5 : I have been runni- ellipticaling? Forever. Surely it’s been 30 minutes. 

Minute 5 and 1/2 : five minutes and thirty seconds?  Are you fucking kidding me?!?  Well I’ve probably burned like 1000 calories. At least 

Minute 6 : I’ve only burned 80 calories?  I thought I set this shit to fat burning zone. I’m not burning fat if only 80 calories leave. I’m going to be on this elliptical until I die. Then if I am chased by a lion, I’ll have no energy to run and he will eat me #teamsadgazelle

Minute 9 : is it shark week?  If I had a shark I would feed him ellipticals and free all of us from their tyranny

Minute 10 : 1/3 of the way done. I think I could do this forever. Feeling great, let’s pick up the pace. 

Minute 11: I’m going to die I can’t go on

Minute 14 : that guy walking towards the weights is roided out. Where is his neck?  That’s freakish. I’m scared of him. He looked this way. Look down. 

Minute 15 : halfway point. I can go slower for a few minutes to reward myself. This song sucks too. 

Minute 17 : if there’s a shark week why not a lion/gazelle week. Why not a sloth week. Slothes are my spirit animal. Slothes would never be on this torture device. No looking at the clock till it beeps at the end. 

Minute 19 : no looking at the clock for one minute

Minute 20: 2/3 of the way there. Maybe I could stop now. I’ve definitely burned 1000 calories after 20 minutes. Or you know 206. 

Minute 21 : how is it possible that in 20 minutes of sweating and panting and almost dying I’ve only burnt 206 fucking calories?!? That’s a little less than 2 bottles of bud light, which I could easily drink in 5 minutes. How is that fair?!?

Minute 22: why do you know the calorie count in bud light?  How white trash are you?

Minute 25 : oh thank god. Only 5 more minutes. I can do anything for 5 minutes. 

Minute 26 : except swim. And trapeze tricks. And drive a stick shift. And touch a snake. 

Minute 26 : how are there 4 more minutes. Has time stopped? 

Minute 28 : two more minutes. Almost 300 calories. Note to self it takes 30 minutes of torture to burn off three beers. Beer is evil. Gazelles don’t drink beer. Probably not slothes either. The Spanish word for sloth is oso perasoso 

Minute 29 : speaking of drinking, if I want to reach my water goal that’s 40 more ounces before bed. I’m going to wake up a lot

Minute 30 : it’s over!  I’m free!!!!