Fitness · Humor · Lifestyle · Women

Planks and Pilates

To the loyal readers that are here, I apologize for being MIA.  My life has changed pretty dramatically over the past few weeks, and despite the fact that I was able to get myself into the gym I have not been able to keep up with you all here.  And for that, I apologize.  I left a job, transitioned into a new job, went on a fabulous Hawaiian vacation, and soon I’ll be making a few more major changes.  But we’ll get to all of that in good time.

So in Hawaii everyone should be proud of me for working out.  And let me just say, that planks suck ball sack.  It doesn’t matter if you’re at your house on the living room floor, on a beach in Hawaii, or at the Four Seasons spa.  Doing planks is fucking awful, maybe the worst form of punishment.  I know that they are good for you and whatever, but they’re hard and I’m not seeing much result from the 10 seconds I’m holding all of this up.

My boyfriend’s sister and I took this hardcore pilates class while we were in Hawaii.  The teacher was probably the most muscular woman I have ever laid eyes on, and she taught like four classes back to back.  She was also on some insanely retarded diet that I would certainly never prescribe to as she had assigned eating times.  I felt very shamed by her to use a heavy weight, and I also felt that despite the fact I assured her this was NOT my first pilates class, she so didn’t believe me.  But we suffered through many supermans and swimming on the floor, and afterwards we rewarded ourselves with booze and massages.  Also, my boyfriend’s family indulged in the most amazing ice cream on vacation, and I just want to point out that I didn’t have any.  So excuse me while I take a moment to feel superior.  Despite the delicious hamburger I DID indulge in one night, I returned from a week in Hawaii 3lbs lighter.  Raise the roof.

Today I talked my normal gym partner into attending pilates.  I swear to God that if I could continue to take pilates on the regular, this rolly polly muffin top would transform into the hot girl body I’ve been dreaming of.  I have to admit that I feel exceptionally strong in down dog raising my right leg to the sky and pulling it through to my chest over and over.  I just have to ignore the feeling of sweat beading on my forehead and rolling down my nose and dripping on the mat.  What I do not enjoy about pilates are mountain climbers and burpees.  Is there any reason in life that people need to do burpees?  I mean, we are already doing planks and pushups and stretches and abs and basically working every muscle.  Why burpees?  WHY!?!

The worst part of today was that I took pilates in my regular gym.  Now, for those of you who don’t know this, I am a gym snob.  I am embarrassed to think about the amount of money I spend on fitness.  That being said this cows (they weren’t large, I just like the term cow as an insult generally speaking) in the back of my pilates class were whispering during Shavasana.  Even though I traditionally hate Shavasana and being trapped alone with my thoughts, I have gone through many transitions in the past month.  I wanted to lay there and inhale intention and exhale the past.  It’s hard to focus on exhaling the past and all the other bullshit the instructor was saying when there was a whisper party happening three feet away from me.  This is the problem with taking pilates at a regular gym.  When you pay a billion dollars to go to the fancy yoga/pilates studio in Scottsdale, AZ those bitches shut their mouths and breathe in intention and exhale the past.

Namaste Lovers.

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