Fitness · Humor · Lifestyle

My Pilates Instructor Hates Me, a narrative

Post knee surgery is no joke.  I get excited about walking a mile.  I also get sweaty.  My surgeon said from month three to month six I am allowed to work out minus “cutting” sports, dance classes, and any other side to side motion where I could re injure my knee.  Also, no lunges until I’m strong enough.  Currently, I am most definitely NOT strong enough.

After a very stressful week, I decided that I wanted to go back to pilates on the reformer class.  I arrived with one minute to spare, aka late.  (In my defense it took me at least 3 minutes to find parking because they are in a stupid location with too many businesses and not enough parking so whatever)  And I really think that being late alone fueled the beginning of the instructors hate fire for me.  That and I was clearly the least in shape person in the class.

Also, if you’ve never taken a reformer class, be prepared that basically all the equipment is similar to what I’d imagine you’d find in a sex dungeon.  I have personally never been in a sex dungeon (bucket list?), but there are lots of straps and rings, and you put your feet in the straps and over your head and you put a GIANT ring between your short legs, and it’s pretty sexual.  Minus the enjoyment of actually having sex.  And you get yelled at a lot which is also different (mostly).  Also, no one slaps your ass.

This particular class involved a LOT of lunges.  So since I’m not supposed to do lunges, and since my legs and core were shaking like an unbalanced washing machine, I leaned over and held the bar while I did my lunges.  The instructor kept says “stand tall” and “make sure you stand up tall and don’t hold your bar” which I blatantly ignored.  And that only encouraged her to say it louder and more times and in German. One of those things is a lie.  She later brought me a pole to grasp, as it was clear to her I was too far gone to stand and do a lunge.

We also did many exercises in which you use the GIANT ring (which I hate purely due to the fact I am 5’3″ and my legs cannot accommodate a ring with a two foot diameter held between my knees while I stand/squat/get tied up/bridge/etc)  Due to the fact that I was struggling to hold the positions, I opted for no ring.  If our instructor had laser eyes, I’d be gone.   What she failed to understand is that I don’t have the will of a suburban housewife trapped with her children all day, to use this giant ring to go from squats to planks and back up again.  Maybe in 6 months when my muscles are stronger, I trust myself more, and my entire body isn’t shaking because I’m struggling to half ass your class.

What was also interesting to me was how difficult it was for me to plank.  My abs hurt (as always) but the leg I had surgery on my quad was shaking so bad I had to drop to my knees.  After which the instructor said “don’t drop to your knees, stay on your toes, this is where change happens.”  I wanted to point out to this bitch, that by showing up and giving effort, change would happen.  And what is needed for my change, isn’t what’s needed for her change, so if need a modification go fuck yourself.  Also I learned that when you don’t work out for months, you may become hostile towards your pilates instructor.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s