Elliptical Shit Talking

If you’ve read a single entry on this blog, it’s safe to assume you know I hate Satan’s gym equiptment aka the elliptical. I find the elliptical to be incredibly dull, but it turns out when you have ACL surgery, running can still be painful 8 months later. Mostly because all the previous muscle you worked so hard for – that kept the cellulite away – disappeared like a little bitch baby during the recovery process. It’s hard to believe that calf raises couldn’t keep me in tact. 

It is especially difficult to get on the elliptical after a 5am wake up call, followed by a full day of work, followed by using all my will power (or most of it) to not buy and immediately eat a box of Oreos from the Marriott market. I am the real hero here. 

Above is a picture of the end result. After 30 minutes and 13 seconds (every second counts) of sweating my ass off and going 5.36 miles (how does the elliptical determine that) I only burned 157 calories. I’m pretty sure my grande skinny vanilla latte had that many calories (fuck you starbucks). Although I’m not certain how the calories burned is calculated but I do know I didn’t enter my weight. Does that alter the results?  I don’t know/care. 

Something else that really annoyed me during my run (is it a run on the elliptical?) was my Pandora Fitness channel. Why the hell would a Hawaiian version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow have a thumbs up on my playlist. Get your shit together, Ehrman. Needless to say I skipped that shit for this gem. 

Nothing gets me pumped to run (again, run?) like a song about being a psycho. #goals 




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